Pain makes us do some strange things.  While the source of my pain I will keep private, the point remains just the same.  I honestly did not realize I was hurt until recently.  I have been trying to sort it out.  I must have just ignored and buried as I do.  Thinking/meditating back on it I realize it caused me to do some things I greatly regret.

Now we all know the issues happening in the Hypnosis community these days.  We also know that I am a lover of the Inraptured community, and an Admin there.  I will not ever hurt any of my friends there.  We all know of “the blog” and “the video” and while I do not fully agree with all said in it, I respect the deliverance of it.  Goddess Cathy did speak her mind from her heart in her way.  I respect that in people.  Those that know me know I can be a very blunt asshole.  I am what I am.  While I am friends with some mentioned I cannot fully endorse all that was said, however I fully do respect that Goddess Cathy said it.  I do not think it makes her a bad person, evil, wicked, whatever you want to call her.  I think it makes her passionate, blunt, and direct.  I understand how it could have offended.  Honestly if I were one mentioned I would be.  Goddess Cathy is a very unique and rare person.  She does not think, or operate as others do.  She is not evil or wicked, just different and unique, special in my eyes.  I understand the drama caused.  I do respect Goddess Cathy for being brave enough to post her feelings on this.  She is a very different type of Hypnodomme.

Now I will not hide or lie, back to the pain part.  I have been friends with Goddess Cathy since 2005.  We were friends before owls hooted on yahoo, before Storm, Before Hotties, even before she even did hypnosis.  We became friends and shared respect.  I remember upon meeting her I respected how strait forward she was and how great her energy was.  Over the years we were good friends.  In the beginning I was her and Zoey/Holly’s protector.  It was a wonderful road and journey.  It was a wonderful feeling of home and belonging on here.  Goddess Cathy had taken my mystical knight picture and edited it with the ufh crested orange moon.  Even back than Goddess Cathy was home.  She began building family around her, as I protected and looked out.  I was made a special picture, my old mystical knight picture she had me send her to make me something special.  While always protecting and watching out.  I watched enemies and suspected fakes, newly met people, and even fakes become family, as I watched and protected from the outside.  The longtime loyal friend watched from the gate.

It was at this point I realize the pain started.  I buried without notice or realization.  One day I just up and vanished without notice or trace.  I closed all but my IM and just vanished from site.  I realize this was a betrayal of sorts, and hurt Goddess Cathy.  I was hurting and left the pain.  Part of me realized why I hurt.

Some time passed and one came to me saying how evil she was and she was doing terrible things and asked me to help against her.  I returned, though not really.  I tried to hurt from the inside.  I betrayed that kindness and stabbed her in the back by suddenly speaking out publicly about her.  Most of you who read this were not around at that time, but I said some very mean things.  Again I vanished from yahoo.  Now I was not ever any of those insulting Id’s, despite popular belief.  I did mine in one foul swoop.  I also spoke poorly of her at every chance I got.  I was hurting badly and lashing out.

Some time elapsed again and I returned to Goddess Cathy.  She was kind enough to welcome me back, however I did need to make amends.  It was at this point some of you who will read this were just getting to know her and join her family.  I posted a public apology and retract on what I said.  Though it could not erase the pain I had caused her, it did show my remorse.  I did again, after not long, up and vanish again.  To be there caused pain and I needed to go.  Pain caused anger, anger caused stupidity.

Now we get to the recent months.  We just began speaking again several weeks back.  Seeing her message filled me with a mix of emotions that was indescribable.  I had many poor things to say of Goddess Cathy before that time.  The wounded one is often the most vicious.  I said some bad things of her to many that I knew.  I declared she was bad news at the same time of the uproar.  I will not repeat the bad things I said of her because I am honestly ashamed.  I spoke poorly of her to several.  I even got someone special to leave her based upon what I said.  I was hurt and angry, and a total fucking jerk.  Now I never sent screen shots, since Teena just taught me how to do them like a week ago.  I did give warnings though to people.  There was no master plan to give out.  Goddess Cathy is not some evil villainess, lol.   Now the things I said and did I did in pain and anger.  I spoke my mind and heart, albeit they were clouded with pain and anger (the path to the dark side)

There is no way to take back my actions or the things I said of Goddess Cathy.  We cannot erase the past, memories yes, but the past itself, no.  I learned from what I have done.  I spoke to Goddess Cathy and told her of the pain.  We are starting clean and fresh.  I cannot change or take back what I did, however I can ensure it does not ever happen again.  I love the other community I am in, and will not leave it, or do anything to hurt it, however I will not allow Goddess Cathy to be hurt or spoken bad of.  I know I was one who did it.  I will no more, and pledge that should I hear any speak ill of her I will set them strait.

In closing I want to sincerely, and humbly apologize to Goddess Cathy for all the bullshit and the mistreatment I have given.  I wish I could erase it all, however I cannot.  I’m deeply sorry I was such a jerk up until even recently.  I’m sorry and it will not ever happen again.  I give you my word from this day forth.  I love you Goddess Cathy.  You are home.

 

Your Knight Shawn

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